Tuesday, September 09, 2008

The "Gay Agenda" and how to avoid it.

Two days in a row? Ed Brayton hits another home-run with this long elucidating counter-statement to the creeping "gay agenda" (the preceding link contains not-so-subtle humor and mockery directed at those who believe in the conspiracy theory of a gay agenda):
And it might surprise people to find out that, for once, I agree with LaBarbera. I think the anti-gay crowd should do what it is trying to do to McDonald's and Ford and boycott every company that scores high on the HRC's index. And to help them out, I've prepared a list of some of the companies they now have to avoid.

You can't fly on American Airlines, Continental or US Airways, both of which scored a perfect 100. You might also want to avoid United, Southwest, Delta, Northwest, and JetBlue; all scored above 80. In fact, Sarah Palin is gonna have a difficult time flying anywhere since Alaska Airlines also got a perfect score. Who can you fly? Well, you could try Nepal Airlines, the faith-based airline that sacrifices goats to appease God. On second thought, that won't work either. Nepal Airlines has two planes, both of them made by Boeing; Boeing got a perfect 100 too. Go Greyhound!

In fact, you might want to start boycotting the military too. Most of the major defense contractors scored very well. Honeywell, Raytheon and Northrop Grumman all scored a perfect 100. Lockheed got an 85. Who would have guessed that our good ol' red-blooded and (presumably) straight American fighting men are using weapons that advance the gay agenda? If they don't ask, we won't tell. Actually, you're gonna have to stop watching religious channels like TBN as well, since they are broadcast on satellites made by gay-loving companies.
Shopping could be a problem too. You can't shop at Abercrombie and Fitch, The Gap, JC Penney's, Macy's, or Nordstroms. Can't wear Levis jeans or Nike shoes. And even that staple of middle American fashion, LL Bean, scored a 79. Ah well, there's always K-Mart. And in a pinch, you can always wear a plain white sheet.
Then again, it's going to be difficult to get to the mall anyway since cars are pretty much out entirely. Ford, General Motors, Chrysler, Toyota, Subaru and Volkswagon all scored a perfect 100. You could try Volvo, but that's a Swedish company and you know how those morally bankrupt Scandinavians like to treat gay people like human beings. It may be horse and buggy time.

Finances are gonna be damn near impossible. Want to find a hetero-normative mortgage? Good luck. Bank of America, Citigroup, Countrywide, JP Morgan Chase, Fannie Mae, Indy Mac, Washington Mutual and Wells Fargo all scored 100. Heck, I bet gay marriage is the real cause of the foreclosure problem.
Need a morally upstanding credit card? Avoid American Express, Mastercard and Visa; all got perfect scores. Can't do Discover either, since they're owned by Morgan Stanley and damn if they didn't get a 100 as well.

Banking in general is gonna be a real problem for the Righteous, and you might as well give up on any thought of investing your money or saving for retirement. Bank of America, Bear Stearns, Capital One Financial, Charles Schwab, Deutsche Bank, Goldman Sachs, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch, Wachovia - all get perfect scores on the Sodomy Scale. I guess that leaves the old coffee can under the bed, but you'll have to make sure it isn't Maxwell House or Gevalia; they're both owned by Kraft Foods which, you guessed it, got a perfect score too.

Speaking of which, eating and drinking could be a bit difficult as well. No Coke or Pepsi, they both got 100. Nothing from Kraft or General Mills, which wipes out about half the products in the supermarket. No Budweiser. For crying out loud, even Coors, typically a friend to conservatives, has been corrupted by the forces of buggery and scores a perfect 100. And even that old American standby, Campbell Soups, got a 95.
Aren't the "conservatives" (and yes, I don't really consider them true conservatives) those who say, "Let the market decide"? Hasn't the market decided that it is a good thing to offer similar benefits to homosexual couples? Hasn't the market decided that equality is a much easier - and profitable - policy than bigotry? True, I'm not one to say that the market should be used to solve all our problems, since there are vast areas of "externalities" that are not considered within the current framework of "the market". However, in this, I think that many companies have gotten it fiscally and morally correct: discrimination based on some religiously based hetero-normative concept of "right" and "wrong" is both financially detrimental as well as morally bankrupt in today's pluralistic (well... at least it is reaching that point) society.

No comments: